On the inside

"On the inside its just me, myself & I and I reside on the inside like a cocooned butterfly"

As I literally struggle to completely know me and gain that feeling or knowing of self assurance, I can't help but to come in conflicts with myself about so many things both personal & general. Its not a good feeling especially being a young mother to two girls. Its frustrating and confusing and even scary when I often ponder on it. I see ppl so sure of themselves and if not they seem to be... I'm only 23yrs of age so common sense is promoting "plenty self discovering time" and I sorta do acknowledge that but its not like I'm some carefree college student with a social life full of peers with whatever on my mind, but...I'm a young very worried mom w/o a social life full of peers and tons on my mind.

Actually sitting here typing this, ("conversational lectures"as I saw them back then) my grandmother gave, are all coming to life and making sense. I was warned early on about so much, I was just too young to take heed. To be honest as well as fair to myself, I was a bruised child that needed therapy. With that said I was also a great pretender! I focused and excelled in other things and put my feelings to the side and went on like a normal teenage girl, until the day I ran away @ 16 with my biological mother who years earlier abandoned me. She didn't have shit to do with my upbringing and in the midst of my teenage years she comes into my life like a ray of warm comforting sunlight, only to be shinny foil giving off a more shiner light that was artificial. I make bad choices even til this day, nope I'm not perfect.

Even tho I'm not complete and I feel like it sucks being me some times, I have to keep a strong personality on hand because I am A mommy. I want to be to them what my grandmother was and what my mom wasn't to me. Its beautiful and warm to see my daughters in their innocence, they truly brighten up many of my days :) While it is hard to be a single mother the support I have on their behalves from my family and friends is immaculate to say the least. Because of my choices, I am now responsible for two lifetime responsibilities. Children aren't toys you can just put down when your entertainment is fulfilled by them. You have to Take Appropriate Care of them; financially, mentally, & spiritually, until the coming of their own )even beyond that so I'm told and have an ideal). So your automatically in charge of becoming a role model. It has nothing to with weather your ready to be one or not.

While I look at and read about certain things going on in the world today and in the past, I know that I'm fortunate. I'm thankful for that and I don't feel so sorry for myself. But its an inevitable feeling, when I feel how I feel on the inside. Right now "it is what it is" inside this cocoon but I look forward to being a butterfly one day as I know I will become :)

"On the inside its just me myself & I and I reside on the inside like a cocooned butterfly"