Get off me!

I'm back to feeling the same ole tired way, feeling sick and tired. I forgot about turning to me blog whenever I felt things getting outta control... Its like I can't shake the devil. So here I am back to you :) Your like my mary jane my very own series of personal vent letters.

Currently I'm listening to my Mp3...Coldplay-Lovers in Japan-Reign of Love, (I love Coldplay!) Is playing and since its on shuffle the song doesn't particularly pertain to anything. [[Music]] relaxes me, soothes me, takes me to another place, clams me, entertains and distracts my negative feelings and thoughts. It transforms me into an actress because with every genre hip-hop, r&b, alternative, country, ect. Whatever the genre is, I go there :) I'm consumed by music it's my weakness, a form of communication for me. I hope my husband will dance with me often, he better if he wants to keep the sizzle in our relationship. I'm so zoned out! I can barely focus on the task at hand, of completing this blog, which has taken a 360 from its original topic. Smh! like I said "My Weakness". And just like that, I'm going to go ahead and enjoy this bit of peace I've obtained listening to my lil magical music box. Till next time, because I'm gonna need to get whatever it was off my chest eventually.

A spantanious random note

"It is simply living, experimenting, and prosperious becoming the woman God intended me to be, it is him I thank for allowing me to recognize my worth".

If I died today, I wouldn't die happy... that's way I'm trying to achieve my dreams asappy.

I have intentions to make us proud! Those who rome in my world with acceptance.

If I ever let you down due to any of my actions...I can't apologize, for I've learned from those actions, and offer to you the self taught results.

I am as human as they come, partially full, so I'm waiting, learning, and becoming whole.

Behind me, to back me up...is me.

What you get is what you see, no need to waste percious time, "dig deeper", or try to "figure me out".

I am inspiration if I never recognized it, at the end of the day, to me that's what matters the most.

Saying... sincerly as possible, lucky are those who know me.

"It is simply living, experimenting, and prosperious becoming the woman God intended me to be, it is him I thank for allowing me to recognize my worth".

Don't nobody Got u?? Wa...??

Ain't nobody gonna do you, like you"


My real momma told me this. A smile comes across my face every time an incident occurs in my life where this saying pops into my mind...wow how true it is, lol. It took me a long time to realize that family "Got You" period point blank. Maybe not all of them or the whole family but in my case, I'm fortunate enough to have certain family members in my corner and its a relieving feeling. I'm a determined young adult with a good head on my shoulders, so I would like to think my swag adds to their wanting to be here for me in the ways they have. But when it boils down to it...who got you when your down and out?? Listen...its your responsibility to do you and do a good job @ it because if not...str8 up you gone be fuckked. So as I travel my path to my destiny I live and learn...try my best to put things into the right perspective, come into my own, be the best person I can be, and love God. I hate distractions from ppl, you know the type of ppl that come into your life and pretend, and pretend good as hell to be down for you and the minute something goes wrong they out like quick sand. WARNING: Plz keep yo fake ass the hell away from me, ugh! So yeah when you have those temporary ppl come into your life ((and they will)) because their of course attracted to your swag ((its inevitable)) you just have to weed them out, or even it ain't nothing like being to yourself, try it, its good for the soul... Now of course because of the type of person I am...If I invest my time into any specimen for any reason you better believe its going to be real and they gone get 100% me flaws and all. I'm not perfect and I don't act like I am, I'm just me. I'm the type of person that doesn't mind staying to myself...this is one of the reasons I like to blog, because I don't wanna worry anyone with my problems. I'm a problem solver anyhoo, when somethings going on with my life that needs a fixin I try to fix it myself and if I can't and need a lil help, or motivation then I get it. So with that said I don't expect anyone to do anything for me if they don't want to do it or if they don't mine doing it. I always keep in mind that no ones gonna treat me the the way I treat me.


"Ain't nobody gonna do you, like you"


"

So...I'm feelin Them [[Him]], They [[His]] Swag...=]

"I think of him on and off throughout the day, and if God brought us back together then Yay!"

Leave it me to catch feelings of interousity for two totally different souls...a bad boy, and a good boy ((Hump!)). Only if they were combined...:). I'm sure they both want a Goode lady by either of their sides ((Thad be I)). I get a immense vibe from both of my guys...Now, the challenging part is knowing what level/stage they are on when it comes to a relationship?? Which one should I maybe invest my time into?? Or just play my cards...continue getting to know the both of them more and more. I'm not gone stress it tho, I need time away from catering to a male specimen anyhoo. I'm working on ME! I need to get right with all tht I feel is wrong... Besides...I feel it best if I leave it in God’s hands he'll bring me and the man meant for me together when its time. I'm human I have those vulnerable moments where I need the comfort of a man, ((sigh)). Maybe this stinking peasant holiday has something to do with it, lol. I just had to vent about tht.

"I think of him on and off throughout the day, and if God brought us back together then Yay!"

"Celeb Briefcase"

"When you ain't got shid to do, open up my celeb briefcase"

Tell me why Rick Ross took his baby mama infiniti q56! Yes, yes he bought the ride for her as a gift 3 years ago. The two of them met up at her lawyers office to deal with child support matters (she just put him child support). Ross became upset and uncomfortable a/b the questions being asked by his ex's lawyer concerning his fiances, and expressed so.

Being there for a total 3 hours already, baby mama states to the lawyers she has to get Lil Rick Ross from school by six. Ross excuses himself, makes a call to a friend, comes back in and agrees to finish up another time.

When she went outside (at 5:20) her car was no where to be found! She goes back in, ask her lawyer to call Ricks lawyer and ask Rick if he took her car. Rick then goes on to tell his lawyer "yes" he did. That's kind of messed up! Now this make me feel like he could care less about his child. "Hoe move Ross"

I wanna be a rock star baby! Literally, is what New Orleans native, Lil Wayne is screaming as he plans on dropping his rock album "Rebirth" on April 7.

I wonder if he knows Bobby Valentino is dropping an LP by the same name?? On his single, he rocks about a "prom queen" that turned him down before he blew da fukk up, and know shes crying outside of his door... She had it all figured out/ She left me with a broken heart, Fukked around and turned me down/ Cause she didn't think I could play the part/ Now the prom queen,the prom queen is crying, sitting outside of my door/ You never know how everything could turn around."

First of all how da fukk she get close enough to cry outside of his door, huh?? Nawl, but really to ((me)) its rock, so if you like rock, I guess you'll like this track. In my opinion he may win some rock fans in his new attempt to rock. He doesn't have anything to lose thanks to status in the rap world, besides if he can't conquer or at least is welcomed to the rock world he can always come back home. Rock on Weezy!

Al'yeah and there are rumors out about his suppose love interest...and it might be Nivea :)

Thats it for now..stay tuned for the next "cleleb briefcase"

"When you ain't got shid to do, open up my celeb briefcase"

"Good Sunday Mornig"

Well...We all know that faith, religion and its dealings is a major part of finding ourselves (more so major to some then others). As I journey on my path to self discovery, I often get off track with having a solid relationship with God. I feel as if I simply don't think about him much by not praying, following the commandments etc. I want to get better. My religious background isn't solid so I feel as if there is not much to go off of sometimes... I don't want to be for example a puppet of religion, going about certain teachings and beliefs 1)because others do and 2)because of all the negative notions that go against (for lack of better expression) the non religious. I want to feel about it as I do everything else; strong, connected, and supportive. They say the two most controversial subjects are religion and politics, and I can cosign as to why! You hear some people go on about how complete they are with having God, and everything that seems so above the sun, do to knowing and having God. Besides those feelings...I want to have and sustain a naturally understanding relationship with God.

I've crossed the path of church goers, faith motivators, church invitees, and people of various religions... I've heard of cultures with their religion and faith bases... From Scientology to Buddhist... Two words "overwhelming" and "confusing"! The world around me or as I see it (lol) doesn't make it any better. I was going to start my very first "Good Sunday Morning" off with the normal quote followed by a passage/inspirational verse from the bible, then state my thoughts. In so many ways I felt like who am I to vent about the meanings of bible verses when my religious foundation is weak? I do so in hopes of expanding on the little religion knowledge that I have and building/establishing a relationship with a creator/higher power.

For starters I do believe that there is an explanation, and a reason of some sort as to how the world came to be and evolve into what it is today... My mentality is what is...I'm 23, I've been through changes, I've seen what I have, and developed opinions and beliefs of my own. Some that comfort me and some that discomfort me. I am open minded, and to the best of my ability I try to be non judgemental. I believe that there is a reason for just about everything, even if the worlds titles of wrong or right have been applied. Right now everything is just all so contradicting. I try to stay clear of what is not good for me, live life to the "fullest" and learn as much and often as possible.

"Before thy leave this place and I am no more of flowing blood, let my heart be at peace, my soul exposed to my meaning... let thy know what religion really is"

"And Jesus said unto them ... , "If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible to you."Romans 1:17

Such a powerful verse! Put basically from my interpretation of it, If your belief in God, is in your heart without needing more to go on, then you're taken care of and Anything is possible! I can dig that (who wouldn't want to). But from birth til death, you have to be @ some point exposed during your life, to God to even know about a God. So when someone is exposed to God, are they like...wow God is real, and I don't have to...get anything extra to know this? And if so is there an emotional connected feeling to go along with this faith? Do some people just come here with God in their hearts? Is God in us already and we just have add to with...reading the bible, going to church, praying etc? I choose Romans 1:17 to me represents exactly how I would like to feel about my faith.

"Before thy leave this place and I am no more of flowing blood, let my heart be at peace, my soul exposed to my meaning... let thy know what religion really is"

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FREESTYLE***FRIDAY! HAY...!

"feeling like a genius when it come to my mind frame, focused like a set of eyeballs in cartier frames, runnin 4 my riches cuz they encrypted wit my name"!

Off the tip of my fingers, translated to da blog spot/mizz tuffy hott, like the spot lil nikky hate/ always on da come up, from sun up 2 moon light/ mizz tuffy dipper got niccas tryna sip her/ lick her in ways u only do to a lollipop/ Mood on groovy cuz I'm such a 80's storke drop/ drip-drop, hip-hop outta my pores...I feel no remorse when it come to making folk mad/ Middle fingers up! cuz they stuck thata way/ U say nonsense that I type thisa way, I'll spit thisa way 2 ur face, like, no way! Outside of da box, I'm unwrapped, a couple bolts loose/ rockin round... IN MY rockin roll cranium.../ And I'm sorta like not slow/ I move so fast they scream don't Go! Its da take off, from-da top of my dome/ give niccas da home phone... just becuz I'm never home.../ who cares if its intoxing... take one lil shot, I have ya A-dic-ted/ A bitchez catch dis hook, abcd and u still don't get it/ I be waggin my swaggin like a peacot & I just dn't stop, just becuz I'm tired...I get fired up↑ like strike! Mizz tuffy this mizz tuffy that, I bet on her cuz she spit bananas...bandana hangin outta my pocket book/ got book sense, street sense, go home if u dn't go hard sense/ Only lady spittin crazy to a mesh product! Ma-fukkers talkin loud like they chest nocuous! Watch it! like no-no/ tappin niccas on da hands like they adolesents/ Got dat droool, slob flow like a numb lip/Getta grip for I give u texture ta grip/ slip knots in da rope of my victims...I'm puppet master chick wit demented ways, shid reallly I could go for dayz, but I rather stop engage da haze like take me away. (Thts nothing!)

STAY TUNED TIL...NEXT FREESTYLE FRIDAY...

"feeling like a genius when it come to my mind frame, focused like a set of eyeballs in cartier frames, runnin 4 my riches cuz they encrypted wit my name"!

My Contemplating Grinds

“Complex is my mind, I feel like that one to bet on, so stick wit a chick & like ET we can ride through the sky”

So I gotta a ton going on in my mind right, especially when it comes to generating my own revenue. The corporate world sucks so I’m like fukk a 9 to5. Besides I’m a young artistic black lady with a lot to offer. First of all let me lay out those artistic abilities I associate myself with, as follows; 1) designing clothes: applying my style to clothing apparel, sHint Clothing Ltd 2) Rapping: yes, yes yawl…I marinate, so basically I write, free style, and keep a ear to game (observing what challenges it offers me as a artist and quality as a consumer). I haven’t invested in it yet because I’ve been bullshitting, but I plan on going for it and I’m now in the process of getting the appropriate equipment for a home studio. 3) Photography: the only way I’ve ever discovered how to preserve life is by capturing moments on film, I’m also going to be investing in equipment and getting projects going soon. 4) Sales: which are all final… besides you would’t wanna give it back, it has 100% guarantee on it, if I’m with it. Basically “Anything” of quality I can get my hands on or anything marketable I come up with, I sale.

For as long as I can remember I’ve always expressed myself in an artistic hustling unique sorta way. I got my heart in everything I do and it all just comes so natural and preferred to me. I keep telling myself to take it easy, learn and experience as much about my abilities as possible and it’ll pay off. Generating my own revenue through my passions for 2009 and years to come and doing so in the most impacting way is my goal. I’m a “visionary” I can see it happening, I’m a “go getter” I can make it happen.

“Complex is my mind, I feel like that one to bet on, so stick wit a chick & like ET we can ride through the sky”

The Beauty of the 44th

"The beauty of the 44th, is so on the inside and out"

I can't help but to beam with awe, wear a ear to ear smile, and feel thankful for the doings of my ancestors to make such an historical event possible. Its more than the fact, Barack Hussein Obama is black hes a hell of a man! His Inauguration speech was priceless, up lifting, and convincing of a change, as were all of his speeches, that America and the world has long been ready for. Its all so surreal! I'm so proud and look forward to having such a wonderful family occupy the white house, as the man of the house hold stirs our country into the right direction. And I quote... " Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control — and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our gross domestic product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart — not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good", Barack Hussein Obama. Such powerful words say so much about the future of America. A future that myself, daughters, family & friends have the opportunity to be a part of. All hail Obama, Thank you God for allowing us to be apart of such beautiful history.

"The beauty of the 44th, is so on the inside and out"

On the inside

"On the inside its just me, myself & I and I reside on the inside like a cocooned butterfly"

As I literally struggle to completely know me and gain that feeling or knowing of self assurance, I can't help but to come in conflicts with myself about so many things both personal & general. Its not a good feeling especially being a young mother to two girls. Its frustrating and confusing and even scary when I often ponder on it. I see ppl so sure of themselves and if not they seem to be... I'm only 23yrs of age so common sense is promoting "plenty self discovering time" and I sorta do acknowledge that but its not like I'm some carefree college student with a social life full of peers with whatever on my mind, but...I'm a young very worried mom w/o a social life full of peers and tons on my mind.

Actually sitting here typing this, ("conversational lectures"as I saw them back then) my grandmother gave, are all coming to life and making sense. I was warned early on about so much, I was just too young to take heed. To be honest as well as fair to myself, I was a bruised child that needed therapy. With that said I was also a great pretender! I focused and excelled in other things and put my feelings to the side and went on like a normal teenage girl, until the day I ran away @ 16 with my biological mother who years earlier abandoned me. She didn't have shit to do with my upbringing and in the midst of my teenage years she comes into my life like a ray of warm comforting sunlight, only to be shinny foil giving off a more shiner light that was artificial. I make bad choices even til this day, nope I'm not perfect.

Even tho I'm not complete and I feel like it sucks being me some times, I have to keep a strong personality on hand because I am A mommy. I want to be to them what my grandmother was and what my mom wasn't to me. Its beautiful and warm to see my daughters in their innocence, they truly brighten up many of my days :) While it is hard to be a single mother the support I have on their behalves from my family and friends is immaculate to say the least. Because of my choices, I am now responsible for two lifetime responsibilities. Children aren't toys you can just put down when your entertainment is fulfilled by them. You have to Take Appropriate Care of them; financially, mentally, & spiritually, until the coming of their own )even beyond that so I'm told and have an ideal). So your automatically in charge of becoming a role model. It has nothing to with weather your ready to be one or not.

While I look at and read about certain things going on in the world today and in the past, I know that I'm fortunate. I'm thankful for that and I don't feel so sorry for myself. But its an inevitable feeling, when I feel how I feel on the inside. Right now "it is what it is" inside this cocoon but I look forward to being a butterfly one day as I know I will become :)

"On the inside its just me myself & I and I reside on the inside like a cocooned butterfly"