It’s said that warning comes before destruction…TRUE…Then for it to combine with ones thoughts on the whole “I would never be in that situation.” Final thought on the whole situation since I willing took myself there and done that; Experience fails to teach where there is no desire to learn. BOOM! God knows my heart. I would like to apologize for going there knowingly but being in denial at the same time. I take total responsibility for my actions.
It’s hard to explain but I’ll do my best. Words, actions have always been something I take pride in. Trust has always been something I’ve struggled with, not being able to not trust but being so trustworthy. Simply put, I was taken advantage of but I myself failed me by not using my good judgment. Being involved in what I saw as a hopeless, unproductive, and stressful relationship with my now Ex, I could relate or so I thought to this man. The first person I ever stepped outside the box for and went so far as to cheat on someone with. (Something I said I would never do). Going in I was me or so I thought. I know right from wrong, but all of a sudden something so wrong felt right and I turned off my knowing right from wrong sensor. I approached the situation what I thought to be the right way but I knew deep down I was beginning to make the wrong actions and no sooner in doing so did words (so powerful) come into play. I found myself in a situation that I said “I would never” be in.
I Love myself. I am a very wonderful and down to earth individual. I been through so many mishaps in life since birth that I’ve kind of developed a “take a lick and keep on ticking” mentality. I look at people and see the good in a person before bad. I’m a “pleaser”, I want to see people happy and if I can do anything to help a person out I’m doing it. I’m a very passionate person and anything I do, I do it to my full potential.
Like I said before I went there knowingly and I take full responsibility for my actions. The day I got myself in this situation, (cheating) so much went through my head. What I had going on at home was not right and I wasn’t happy on so many levels. This person was also going through the same situation so we came together and related. I stopped myself so many times and asked myself “what are you getting into”? The situation was more mental than physical and so much was expressed through hours of day in day out conversation. Then it became full out physical and mental. I found myself relating more and more to this person and the desire of waiting to make or give him what he lacked so to speak took over me. I looked at it like, he clearly isn’t happy there, I saw how much of a wonderful and great guy he was (yeah despite the fact he was straight up cheating), how much we shared and had in common, that I fell in love with him. We carried on for a while like this creating memory, and having a physical and mental relationship. In the mean time I then let my children father go, word of us being involved started going around, he finally got caught, craziness! I started having verbal confrontations with his woman went so far as to a physical altercation. He did nothing but condones everything and went on and continued what we were doing, despite all the negativity. As I looked back, I’m so ashamed at how weak minded I became and I how I hurt a fellow sister. I disrespected her on so many levels, I’m appalled. When you give yourself to someone who tells you how much you are to them, and you trust this person, yawl share past, present and future things with one another and you love this person it’s hard to just let all that go. Despite the negativity, your main thing is I want to make that person happy. You’ll believe and do almost anything for that individual.
So the final straw came where it was time to put his money where his mouth was. He left her and we carried on went as far as to make me his ol’lady, so I’m thinking yeah we were meant to be together. I don’t know what he was telling her but I know what he was telling me. I respected and honored everything he had to do for her; after all they had a 1year old child together. I would’ve walked to the end of the earth for this man. The fact he still had to hold things down in that situation didn’t move me at all I respected that. But when he went back…yeah! He became just another low down nicca to me. But look at what our foundation was built off of, “lies, deceit, and deception”. I still played the role even after he went back; I had so many mixed feelings. I got him convincingly working my weakness for him by filling my head with whatever he wanted. I’d be lying if I said I’m completely over him now. But what has and is removing me from the situation is the fact that he went back. I feel like people should honor their decisions, stick by what you do, no matter why you do it. It’s like I know my worth. Words and actions are so powerful you have to be careful who you receive them from and how you use them. This is truly a battle for me getting in such a situation. At the end of the day Imma keep it real, I’m a very smart individual and a lesson learned is wisdom earned. I never thought I’d be in such a situation but now I know how it feels and all those reasons and thoughts I had before of not going there, are now experiences. Aeschylus said it best “The reward of suffering is experience”. Love is blind, and before you just open your heart up to someone make sure the foundation is built of truth! Keep it real and put the cards on the table, that way a person has the choice of knowing what it is their really and truly getting into.
